1. |
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Spine is cryin’ for forsaken, purse got lost and the car is taken, guts are gone and my blood is achin’, lookin’ for a fight, got me dreamin’ at my lord, got me dreamin’ at my lord, got me dreamin’ at my lord to bring me solace in the night, got me dreamin’ at my lord, got me dreamin’ at my lord, got me dreamin’ at my lord to bring me solace in the night…
Feeling’s hard and breathing’s boring, love compels but the limb’s ignoring, used to live on the friends’ adoring, now it’s out of spite, got me dreamin’ at my lord, got me dreamin’ at my lord, got me dreamin’ at my lord to bring me solace in the night, got me dreamin’ at my lord, got me dreamin’ at my lord, got me dreamin’ at my lord to bring me solace in the night…
If I had the opportunity to give my younger self advice I’d hold my tongue oh no…
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2. |
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The wedding’s gross, the wedding’s gross, the groom is crap and I don’t like to boast but I’m cuter than both of them, nicer than both of them, cooler than anyone alive!
Sometimes I lose myself so intensely I can’t tell if I’m happy or I’m mean, sometimes I do something a little funny and I laugh, and I’m not sure if maybe you did it, would you be scared if I did it twice…
Grant me that this girl believes me, that we can have that in-between thing, encompasses most everything as us, no matter what we are, I’m homesick from having spent a real evening, with a real evening included in the in-between, and pleasant touching neck holds and old morning, that got so old we had to sleep again, and across the role we had to meet again…
The wedding’s gross, the wedding’s gross, the church is lurching out this morning’s toast and I’m heaven to both of them, celeste of ne’er a pest, better than anyone alive!
Sometimes when we’re in the kitchen our embryos start to merge, I can’t feel through the thirds of thought and bone and air, and I feel culpable for our friendship, as opposed to happy, I don’t feel in love with all the things that I love…
Grant me that this foam and flesh implies me, that we can have that in-between thing, and cuddle and collect the sheets around us, like baubles flayed and pulled and flat and skin, wind passes out and dusts the living room windows, choked because it likes it, amasses in a sugar turns the morning glow as cold as cream, when we wake against us it steams…
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3. |
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And I don’t even wanna sing, and I don’t even wanna talk, and I don’t even wanna best the day, meet my baby out there for a walk… And I don’t even wanna sing, and I don’t even wanna talk, and I don’t even wanna best the day, meet my baby out there for a walk…
And I’ll admit I dropped a baby made of porcelain that paid the way to court the bed and dreamt about a bible when I learned to talk, I miss the world because I fear a love of fear and love a fear of love and it’s about the best that I can learn to walk, you figure that you know a thing about hips, that you know a thing about lips, talk about it, sing about, ‘cuz I just don’t know--
Why I don’t even wanna sing, and I don’t even wanna talk, and I don’t even wanna best the day, meet my baby out there for a walk… And I don’t even wanna sing, and I don’t even wanna talk, and I don’t even wanna best the day, meet my baby out there for a walk…
And I’ll admit I took a mortar to the gravel with a pestle and a blessing and unraveled ‘til depressing when I learned to talk, I miss the world because I kiss around a lip when’er I kiss a lip for hissing like a kettle when I learned to walk, you figure that you know a thing about sand, that you know the planet was planned, talk about it, dance around it, ‘cuz even I don’t know--
Why I don’t even wanna sing, and I don’t even wanna talk, and I don’t even wanna best the day, meet my baby out there for a walk… And I don’t even wanna sing, and I don’t even wanna talk, and I don’t even wanna best the day, meet my baby out there for a walk…
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4. |
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My body is a coffin full of someone that I hate, if a doctor said you’re dying I’d say why wait, and I’m sorry for my friendships and I’m sorry for my health, for its being lodged between me and myself…
If a mirror I would shoot it thinking I was shooting me, and I’m sorry to the god in which I never will believe, and I’m sorry to the food I eat, I’m sorry to the air I breathe, I’m sorry for the times that I stopped my flesh from bleeding--
My body is a coffin full of someone stuffed with sin, if a killer said I’ll kill you I would thank them, when my life is at its best, I just wanna up and cry, ‘cuz I know what’s next is hell in which I feel I’m not alive…
I feel sorrow for the times that I wasn’t there for you, so much sorrow that I waited to be told what to do, and so much tenderness towards you, feel so soft that I could soak you, feel so sorrowful I’m locked out of the heart that wants to nurture you--
My body is a coffin full of someone I once knew, if you woke up and you were me I’d say why you, and I’m sorry for my lovers and I’m sorry for my friends, and if god gave me the option… I’d never live again!
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5. |
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I’m cute, I’m sexable, I’m interesting, I’m rounded up a decimal…
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6. |
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I’m speeding 22, like the whole road is the same, my only testament, is I have a lengthy name, I do not leave a sound I’m foetus-underground, I do not leave a sound because I never learned to talk, I never learned to speak, I keep it pressured in like vacuum-packing meat, I think I’ve said my peace then I spring another leak…
I’m horrified at changing settings at this pace, I feel as though I’m being endlessly estranged, the stark developments are evil at its best, they’re evil at its most, aggressive and averse to anything alive, anything upon which a human being will thrive, and every time I see one I wince and hope to die…
I wish I had an espresso in me right now, or two, or 69…
My god he threw me out all alone in the cold, a very bad decision ‘cuz I wasn’t very old, I didn’t have a noise, I didn’t have a choice, I didn’t have a noise because I never learned to talk, I never learned to speak, I never learned to wall, I never learned to need, I never learned to hold, I never learned to teach--
I’m like a lonely doll, I’m like a lonely doll, I’m like a lonely doll, just like a lonely doll, I’m like a lonely doll, I’m like a lonely doll, I’m like a lonely doll, just like a lonely doll…
Now deep beneath the latch is a patch of silent screams, bristled and undone from a girth of lonely dreams, they didn’t have a noise they didn’t have a choice, they didn’t have a noise because they never learned to stroke, they never learned to brush, they never learned to joke, they never boiled to plush, they’re trapped forevermore, their dreamers’ turned to dust…
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7. |
Darn: The Angry Ones
03:23
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When the cleansing man whisked all the chairs away, I became afraid of the tablescape, nothing in between, just the cloth and me… When he furthermore removed the groom to be, I could feel the blank inside of me, an awakening, of an inner space…
What do you want, I have given all that I can to you, does it mean nothing, that a friend is all I can make, I cannot be unwound and replayed…
Would yours be the lung that whisks the wind away, into an enclosed dark cavity, where it folds and fades, like an old parade… Would yours be the tongue that laps the milk away, that would be the dream of my nippley place, to be in a face, gone without a trace…
What more do you need from me, I’ve trimmed my gut of doubt, it’s pawned my womb aloud, why does it mean nothing, that you earned my trust all the way, did you think that you stole it from me…
What could you want, do you want love full of secrets, of my thoughts deleted, does it mean nothing, that my body is growing so weak, if the crime’s that I’m happy I’m framed, yep I’ve been framed…
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8. |
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9. |
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When you kiss me, I feel relief, when you kiss me, I feel relief, hold my body close to your cheek, hold my body close to your cheek--
‘Cuz we’re living, in a culture, that wants me dead, that wants you dead, and they think that, they’re gonna solve it, with a parade, with a parade, they got a white queer up in every city trying to gentrify, god I’m losing my mind, we gotta hold and smooch and cry to keep us kind…
When I’m lonely, I feel ashamed, when I’m lonely, I feel ashamed, but when you hold me, I fall awake, when you stroke my hair, I’m out like a stain--
‘Cuz we’re living, in a culture, that wants me dead, that wants you dead, and they think that, that we have solved it, with a parade, with a parade, hey look a white queer trying to use the way that they identify to capitalize, we gotta hold and smooch and cry to keep us kind, woah-woah-woah we gotta hold and smooch and cry to keep us--
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10. |
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God bow your head down and follow me, you in the meadow there, god bow your head down and follow me, wind soft yet trees blown bare, I do not need no resistance, do not play dumb or scared, god bow your head down and follow me, you’re gonna heed my prayer…
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11. |
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To rectify my loneliness, I’d go to you, I’d go to you, you welcomed me with open arms, the door swung as though never closed, you sat me down and spoke to me, as though a pain could meet its end, I came into a subtle place, where I could rest my love away its low…
To gather round my sleeplessness, and try to pounce and wrestle it, I ran as far as I could walk, and let the train tracks roll their talk, then passing out I took to sleep, the grass lay cold beneath my arms, I came into a subtle place, where I could rest my love away its low…
So low, so low, so low, so low, so low, so low…
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12. |
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13. |
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I don’t wanna watch our children fail, but I know we set them up for hell, I don’t wanna watch our children fail, but if they do I wish them well, ‘cuz I know that I failed first, ‘cuz I know that I failed first, ‘cuz I know that I failed first, so if they follow suit I wish them well…
I don’t wanna watch our children cry, when they wave their home one last goodbye, I don’t wanna hear their plaintive wail, but if they do I wish them well, ‘cuz I know that (‘cuz I know that) ‘cuz I know that (‘cuz I know that) ‘cuz I know that (‘cuz I know that) ‘cuz I know that we failed first, ‘cuz I know that we failed first, ‘cuz I know that we failed first, so if they follow suit I wish them well, ‘cuz I know that we failed first, ‘cuz I know that we failed first, ‘cuz I know that we failed first, so if they follow suit I wish them well…
Don’t want you to think that I dropped the ball, but I wanna see this empire fall, don’t want you to think that I dropped the ball, but I wanna see this empire fall…
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14. |
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I’m trying to find the possibility of peace inside my mind, let’s hope I find it out in time, a possibility of peace inside my mind-- I’m trying to find the possibility of peace behind my life, I hope I peel it back and find, an underlying tissue thoughtful and refined-- I’m trying to find a way to make my life desire to be a life, let’s hope it finds the mirror tight, too tight for an escape but grand enough to let the light in-- I’ve bled the will to live, life led the will to live to bed, may will to live let life unbleed it back to me…
I’m trying to find the possibility of peace inside my mind, let’s hope I find it out in time, a possibility of peace inside my mind-- I’m trying to find the possibility of staying stuck to sight, let’s hope I don’t get underlined, a marking to erase what’s gray and ill-defined-- I’m trying to find a means of opening a doorway into life, so that I can be sure I’m live, and not a prerecorded fragment of a life-- I’m trying to find the possibility of peace inside my mind, let’s hope I find it out in time, a possibility of peace inside my mind…
(I’m going, I’m really going, I feel I’m outing like a light around a soul once fire, that up a coming storm has, opted to retire-- I’m slipping, I’m really slipping, I live a nightmare then I wake and live the mare in day, and like a radio tune, get replayed and played-- I’m learning, I’m really learning, but every time I close a lesson there’s a goal unlearned, the wound is airy opened, folding into burns-- I’m going, I’m really going, I feel I’m outing like a light around a soul once fire, that up a coming storm has, opted to retire…)
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15. |
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I take my shirt off and I put my titties out in the sun, I know I’m the wanting one, the fetishist in me wishes the sun would go out, the 70s goth punk in me wants a bloody nose and mouth for the look, talk me off it if you want to pretend you’re stable whatever, you cannot be a doctor if you don’t listen, I guess I’m being judgmental he was also a person, but he was a man and he listened like he was raised like that, how many times will you shut me down before I take off my dress, how many times will you repress my health ‘til I die of stress, I swear doctors take more years off my life than they ever add, tits out fuck off, I’m the girl that I have left…
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16. |
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Let me tell you ‘bout this new set I love with, it’s a flutter of pages, a bird-tunnel of wind eggs, set ablaze with a paralytic influenza of flogging whips and copper ore… let me tell you something, this morning I was awakened by a vision of a cloud of a big thick rhomboid, cast against a moon of stars, and a sun of water, bless me right and good and it came to me--
Oooh, my god’s got a bible in his eye, it’s a book about time, it’s a book about time, it’s a book about crying, it’s a book about dying oh, my god’s got a bible in his eye, it’s a book about time, it’s a book about time, it’s a book about crying, it’s a book about dying…
Let me tell you ‘bout the god I have, and their unreal beauty, let me tell you ‘bout the cross he bore, and its unreal beauty, let me tell you ‘bout the vision I had, and its unreal beauty, let me tell you ‘bout the book I read, and its unreal beauty, that’s why I gotta tell ya--
Oooh, my god’s got a bible in his eye, it’s a book about time, it’s a book about time, it’s a book about crying, it’s a book about dying oh, my god’s got a bible in his eye, it’s a book about time, it’s a book about time, it’s a book about crying, it’s a book about dying… read it girl… read it girl…
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17. |
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Give me an ocean that runs to the road and not to the other side, I’ll just scream to the other side they’ll hear me if I figure I know what I’m saying…
She put it in a shell and washed it up on the beach to me… I thought to lay a couple hours’ sleep on me, I just feel so grateful whenever any of us speaks, any of us queers hot-locked in taut heat…
And I have to be alive to be a lot of what I say I am, I’ll do it just to glue my figuring to speech… a non-traditional bless my soul to keep, a soulless eep, a comical creeping… towards stood-up knees….
And I’ll nary be one to pray, but it was nice to have another person in there to watch me disappear in that way, I couldn’t watch myself for of my endless mirroring I was always in the way…
My ex soul and I have broken off connections, I tripped on a raindrop, post 9/11 sex, you couldn’t pay me in extra life to hate my girls, allies never count you in the pit, I feel like all I can pierce is the pond ache, if you’re needed there get there, hygiene’s a disease, I’d rather it all peel off in the sun and the lake than wash this mistake of a face, advil wine, advil wine…
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18. |
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19. |
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When you cry until you sleep, pray your soul a god to keep, when you sleep until you wake, pray your heart don’t try to break, when in stillness you recede, pray your outline doesn’t bleed, when to sun you do return, pray your leftovers don’t burn…
Love me all and into you, let me do what you don’t do, let me take a better care, than your past had been aware, love me blessed as I do you, as a Jesus wishes he could do, love me still and unto me, as a blessing wants to be…
Here’s a grip on who I am (I’m here to see, I’m here to be), modeled after little lamb (boppin’ out of the ribcage, of inner me), here’s a grip on my appeal (I’m here to stay, I’m here to be), where you’re wounded I will heal (whatever you’re needing, to get of me), bring to thee a bucket full, of a tidal press and pull, bring to thee a hand of sand, when you fall, it’s there you’ll land…
Pride I feel but love I am, feel the tightness of my gam, love I am and you you are, feel the crusting of my scar, bring to bake the bread of us, bound of crust but born of trust, love me still as I do you, know your truth and love me through…
And in fact, I never knew, that your sis was Mary Lou, yes in fact I never thought, that your mom was Abby Sue, and in fact I never thought, that your aunt was Alice Mott, yes in fact I never put two and two together, that your grandmother was Agatha Merriweather…
Still I know that souls are orbs, like a circle made of lord, circle round and sphere of self, goats of myrrh and rainy bells, blood of silt and smack of sea, like a lip smooched unto me, love me still as I do you, love my prayers and body too…
When you tumble t’ward your home, please don’t fall that hole alone, when you fall toward your home, please don’t go unknown alone…
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20. |
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I’m so proud of all my girls gettin’ head from pets, I’m so proud of all my girls who get good head from their pets, maybe one day I will be as cool as them, proud of you girls…
I’m so proud of all my girls gettin’ head from pets, I’m so proud of all my girls who get good head from their pets, maybe one day I will be as cool as them, proud of you girls…
I need you with me now more than I ever have, I want to nurture you with everything I am, I believe that I exist just like I know that god does not, but I’ll still take that prayer, just send it here direct…
I imagined I was sunlight dapples, as though passing through a tree, across your body in a pattern… and though I couldn’t feel you I accepted you were there, and I relinquished myself to the feeling of being cast and almost nothing, and it was the safest and most human I’d ever felt in days and days…
Living’s kinda background, music is the foreground, my music is a prayer to itself that someone hears it, yes I want to stay here, yes I want to stay alive, but if you ever want to die, with your permission, I will hold you, hold you, hold you to this planet like a sticker on a folder…
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The Convincing Actor Roselle Park, New Jersey
SHE/HER
TRANS WOMAN
ROSELLE PARK, NEW
JERSEY
EXPERIMENTAL/
AVANT-GARDE/
ART ROCK/
ELECTRONIC
THANK YOU
... more
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