1. |
It Is Less Than Alone
02:25
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Not rejected, just gone, not abandoned, just gone, not defeated, just gone, not deleted, just gone…
Not enveloped, just gone, not enlightened, just gone, not relyin’, on anyone, nor on my own, just gone…
I am hopin’, with breath, vestigial in, my chest, that I awaken, and have dealt, with the death in, myself…
And I’m hoping, embraced, with a chest on, your face, you’ll go clean, of the tight, that coiled around you, in the night…
And the houses, in the ground, planted firmly, around, will go breathing, like trees, out a family, of breeze…
So feign rejected, and be gone, feign destruction, and be gone, and though I know not at all what it is to be you, though you are gone, I still can see you.
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2. |
Just Like Saint Paul
02:40
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If I had, anything to keep clean I’d not, be dirty at all but I got, nothing here to keep clean at all, I wanna be dirty, just like saint paul…
If I had, someone to be nice to I’d not, be mean at all but I got, no one to be nice to at all, I wanna be gnarly, just like saint paul…
It feels nice to spend a night as all somebody else, it is way too hard to be myself, when I am myself in all myself I feel so bad, as bad as any feeling anybody ever had, if I had--
--someone to belong to I’d not, be lone at all but I got, no one to belong to at all, I wanna be lonely, just like saint paul…
If I had, anything to live for I’d not, be dead at all but I got, nothing here to live for at all, I wanna be deadly, just like saint paul… yeah…
Wasted to get there first and a guest of the field at the edge of town, calling out ‘cuz I’m full of doubt and I’m down, when I was a kid I kinda had an inkling that this woulda come to this, crawling to the liquor store to buy my therapist, if I had--
--anything to sweeten I’d not, be sour at all but I got, nothing here to sweeten at all, I wanna be tartly, just like saint paul…
If I thought, anybody saw me I’d not, be gone at all but I got, no one here to see me at all, I’m gonna get ghostly, just like saint paul...
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3. |
Thawing Windshields
02:55
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You know I’d rather be alone, than come home to you, ‘cuz loving you’s too big a load, to come home to, it’s been said to me before, so I repeat it, hopefully I never come to learn, how to really mean it, I feel I’m a bit more than a reflection, of that which comes before me, I make sure that I’m goin’ to a bar, where I know they won’t ignore me…
I’m at the point where I just want to hide, but I keep leaving the house, to wander and carouse and drink and dance, and leave the yearning out, the choice was never really mine to say, exactly what I mean, I’ve half a mind that’s high up in the air, that’s wild and wide and green, and there is so much room for you to dance there, and there is so much room for you to dance there, and there is so much room for you to dance there, where I’m goin’...
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4. |
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On these days so long and slow, up and cold’s the way to go, I’m too scared to have the music on my mind, deep in thought I cannot thrive, tears impede my need to drive, I’m too scared to have the music on my mind, dear friends (dear friends) dear friends (dear friends) I’m too scared to have the music on my mind, dear friends (dear friends) dear friends (dear friends) I’m too scared to have the music on my mind…
Once a song moved me to sob, that same hour I quit my job, I’m too scared to have the music on my mind, I’m afraid to be discreet, for my life I might delete, if I dared to have the music on my mind, dear friends (dear friends) dear friends (dear friends) I’m too scared to have the music on my mind, dear friends (dear friends) dear friends (dear friends) do I dare to let the music keep me kind…
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5. |
Leave the Candle On
02:51
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I laid a little candle by your grave, but it’s on one condition that you’re saved, if your ghost can prove that there’s a heaven before dawn, then baby, I’ll leave the candle on… I scream at skies and all I get is rain, I dare you to avenge my bitter pain, if your heaven backs my breath and proves I’m heaven-spawn, then baby, I’ll leave the candle on…
I need a little reason for my prayer, a seasoning to flavor boring air, if you can sprinkle worth along the earth I’ve trod upon, then baby, I’ll leave the candle on… if god still lives he’s rich and doesn’t care, one night he jumped too high and left us there, if your wretched soul can down the fence around his lawn, then baby, I’ll leave the candle on…
A sky of blue or else a sky of dirt, I have no reference point for either worth, but if this light can wrap around the shape of what is gone, then baby, I’ll leave the candle on…
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6. |
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7. |
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I live at the edge of the world, I live at the edge of the world, a marina, a club, a pile and a bubble, I live at the edge of the world…
Don’t take a plane there my baby, don’t take a plane there my baby, it’s an hour walk there, it takes place on the sidewalk, you go to the edge of the world… When you are at there keep at it, you don’t just get to be there at it, if at it you are you must keep keepin’ on it, to keep you from not bein’ around…
I just wanted to say I live at the edge of the world…
I live at the edge of the world, I live at the edge of the world, a marina, a club, a pile and a bubble, I live at the edge of the world…
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8. |
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Heaven’s not my gig but you pull it off, like a dry sheet or a cantor from its cradle, my live bliss or the passion that I keep for lonely drives, I put your voice on in my head to lull me--
When I look into your incense I see sky and predilection, for the vast and flat and hovering and tall, when I look into your milk I see learned cause and learned affection, and I’m reaching out to touch it after all…
Beauty’s not my context but you pull it off, like the scale slip from a fish pulled out a pond, I was staring glum and aimless from my car seat, but my eyes were drawn from out to right in front--
-- and I look into the glass and see the last of my reflection, like rain that’s contemplating how to fall, I look into the glass and see the last of my reflection, I lasted my reflection after all…
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9. |
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‘Til I’m sitting in god’s lap again… I’ll be hangin’ out, ‘til I’m sitting in god’s lap again…
He’s touching me, he’s movin’ up, playin’ fire truck, with his hands, and he’s Santa, and he’s jesus, and he’s teachers, who tease us, and he’s an abusive best friend…
He’ll touch me and he’ll touch me then he’ll drop me to the bottom of a body, and giggle as I try to crawl up out, and now I’m tall enough to crawl out, and I’m tall enough as well to have my doubts…
I’m a girl and there’s no playin’, I’m a girl and there’s no lying, I’m the sphere inside my only desire…
‘Til I’m sitting in god’s lap again… ‘til I’m sitting in god’s lap again…
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10. |
Feathers and Sleep
03:23
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Baby, I’ve been watching the leaves roll like marbles roll like tires, roll like animals rolling like plastic wraps like wires, along the ground, there is pilgrimage in how they get around… And baby, I’ve been seeking the sea lapping like tongues smacking like hands, there are sentences trapped in the air now, you could open it like a door, and the wind is a blemish on its sound…
And baby, I miss you ‘cuz I see that days still fuck in the mud, and I wanna suck your teeth like my mouth were a toothbrush, and I wanna fall deeply to sleep halfway through a hug…
Baby, there’s no god down here where I am so I must eat my words, like a meadow eclipsed by a plaid of woven light, I’m not built to forgive something that harsh… baby, when I hop out this hellhole I’m running straight to you, I don’t care if the friction of hurry eats my shoes…
‘Cuz baby, since I met you, I haven’t had an eye in my skull that wasn’t full of light, and I want my whole body rubbed into your genitals like cream, and I want you so far up in me I could cry you out… and baby, I miss you in a way I can’t metabolize, I miss you ‘til I cry throw up and scream, I feel like I fell in love midway through a dream, and woke up with nothing…
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11. |
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Imagine it… imagine it Lucrezia… (imagine what? The lofty look in your eye is making me nervous)... A better world Lucrezia… a far better world than this one… a world full of morals, light, full of spangle, full of texture, fur… hair… blessing without corruption… plenitude and sinless pain… oils and joys and ghosts that wander consensually, without despair or mourning… a better world… (oh that actually is a list of things I prefer over things I don’t)...
Some say the world I imagine is already here, Lucrezia, around us, potent and ready, (they do?) some people say that this world is the very world we live in now, but due to our sullied perceptions, corrupt politics and narrow genders, it is all but obliterated to our senses… (er that’s certainly a tonal shift)... some say that this very world is right at our fingertips, but we are too lost in the…
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12. |
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Who’s gonna make me well again, nobody’s outside of this, we’re all interwoven in the same old ugly and brutal way, who’s gonna make me well again, I cannot remember when, there was more than half a thing that made this world worth living in…
Who’s gonna make me well again, don’t feel like a living thing, rather reborn as a whirlwind in a hurricane of blood and gin, who’s gonna make me well again, I could use some cuddling, I would like to snuggle up to a person to whom I can feel akin…
Who’s gonna make me well again, I have lost my hope again, I have lost my hope and strength and blood and drive and love and sense, who’s gonna make me well again, I feel like I’m fuckin’ dead, hope I never try to be...
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13. |
Replayed and Played
01:34
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I love you at night, when you won’t go away, just a trauma bein’, replayed and played, replayed and played, replayed and played, I love you at night, when you won’t go away…
I wanna mare to horrify my night, make the stars shed something less than light--
You gotta wiggle like a tooth, ‘til you’re up and out, and with a memory to break, set the world on doubt, and with the bed all bound to pain, you bet on how, the beddy-bye of tonight, will break you down…
I don’t get up it’s enough just to lay me down, sleep in the undies wake in a bridal gown--
I love you at night, when you won’t go away, just a trauma bein’, replayed and played, replayed and played, replayed and played, I love you at night, when you won’t go away…
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14. |
Sky of Wine
03:04
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I speak so sweetly, to those who know, if your life fleets quickly, I hold you slow, if your tongue is wagging, I let it wag, if your flesh is sagging, I let it sag, and I said--
This is the flower with the lord inside I press it in my bible, such is the word that stained with dye its message stays reliable, I know, I know, I know there’s a god in the flower god grows…
I take a pinch, and salt the earth, I find it tasteful, to enact its worth, I don’t feel sorrow, for an inch of soil, as the sky of wine, comes to a boil, and I said--
This is the flower with the lord inside I press it ‘neath my eyelid, though I end up with an eye infection my inner vision’s guided, I know, I know, I know there’s a god in the flower god grows…
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15. |
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The sound of things coming down, the sound of things coming down, the squeaking of the restaurant closing its doors, the creaking of the carnival pouring out its leftover oil… oil… The sound of things coming down, the sound of things coming down, the pulling of the iron o’er a nursery school, the dripping of a swimsuit to the sunken floor of a community pool--
What will I sound like, what will I sound like when I’m coming down, what’ll climb up out the crawling wind, they keep the splinters in, and will it score a note about me, the folding closed of a festival tent, a check slipping ‘tween two hands for a month’s rent, I swear I have more to give, but I can hear everything coming down around me--
The sound of things coming down, the sound of things coming down, the clasping of a padlock on a bank upon a block, the rain that weighs the spiderweb until it dribbles out of the lock, I hear it coming down, I listen closely until there is nothing between me and the sound, the bobbing of a signal in a socket lacks a bulb, the closing of a drawer around a paper seals a marriage annulled--
What will I sound like, what will I sound like when I’m coming down, I often wonder what you think about, that keeps the feeling out, and would you wrap it all around me, I tried walkin’ gonna clear my mind, apartment complex lookin’ at me like I’ve something to hide, I swear I have more to give, but I can hear everything coming down around me--
The sound of things coming down… oil...
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16. |
If No One Else Will
01:34
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Leave your whiskey in the car, and a six-pack if you want, I will take it if no one else will, if you have no headache left, leave your bottle on my desk, I will take it if no one else will, I will take it if no one else will…
In the house where grandpa died, there’s a chest remains inside, I will take it if no one else will, and the family portrait too, when the family hadn’t you, I will take it if no one else will, I will take it if no one else will…
If he screams ‘til you can’t see, send that fucker o’er to me, I will take it if no one else will, if he makes like you aren’t there, ‘til you’re tearing out your hair, I will take it if no one else will, I will take it if no one else will…
Now I’m staying out too late, all this violence in my brain, ‘cuz I take it when no one else will, now my life is full of shit, though I’m growing tired of it, I’ll still take it if no one else will, I will take it if no one else will…
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17. |
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God, I’m in love with a girl called *, and *, has got it goin’ on, she nourishes like a bell tower, when she hinges-un her maw, and lets a chime out, over the throng…
God, I’m gonna need your strength at this time, and god, I need your right hand, and god, I’m needin’ you to free the souls from hell, and god, I’m needin’ you to free the souls from hell…
God, I’m in love with a girl called *, and *, just doesn’t seem to get it, she told me that she loved me too… I guess I shouldn’t sweat it…
God, I feel swollen with despair, and god, I need you to have me in your prayers, and god, I’m needin’ you to free the souls from hell, and god, I’m needin’ you to free the souls from hell…
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18. |
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Oh god I’m so wee, oh god I’m so petite, this is just too much for me…
I’m just picking a different person every day and crying for them, because I miss you…
The painting wasn’t even really any good, but I cried anyway because it’s what I needed right now, I need what you’ve made for me now, I need what you’ve made for us now, and I need to give back, I need to come out of this having given back…
This has me throwing up my multivitamin, this has me forgetting how to spell, how to function as sound, how to pick the talking of someone I love out of the rustling of the bar glasses, how to meet people, how to sort the squares from the shapes, how to fuck the curves out of myself, how to fuck myself, bleed myself and break myself, this has something new breaking me, this will have me crowdsurfing to collages, this will have me moshing to the ticking of a clock, this will have me killing to the shred of a loaf, this will have me bruising to the sound of your voice, this will have me bleeding at the touch of your hands, this will have me cumming to the lilt of the breeze, this will have me frying at the glance of a flower, this will have me unknowing the skin of everything I’ve ever touched…
If I don’t give back I don’t know what I’ll do, if I don’t give back I don’t know what of me will come through, if I don’t give back I will pass out and never come to…
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19. |
Blown Kisses, Sinking
03:06
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See height, spirit and I, solely the glowing, of a drive past gardens of rain-doused porches, pickling slowly into the night, and once it’s come on down, to the bar down the street, where the rain keeps slopping on the patio in leaks, when there’s no one else around we fall into a hold and eat each other’s teeth…
While we’re kissing and forgotten we are keeping in a closet elsewhere, while our whole’s a public token, we’ve a half that goes unspoken elsewhere…
And pal comes out hey pal, whatcha doin’? She says I’m coming out to have a smoke but if you need to be alone I’ll light up in the bathroom, we said do what you like gorgeous we got our own thing goin’ a seal unbroken the scent of foliage, and we don’t need to be a secret to get kept like one anyway, I’m feeling locked outta this world like it’s a whole house, pal’s done with the light and goes inside and maybe home to sleep, so we just touch each other’s cheeks…
And while we’re loving and we’re holding there’s desire that’s slow unfolding elsewhere, there’s halves of us that we’ve forgotten they are keeping in a closet elsewhere…
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20. |
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When I say it’s my water, it’s because it’s the water I go to for nourishment, because it loves me, not because I own it… when I call it my water, it’s because I have it, “to have and to hold,” as it were… like when they’re my darling, I don’t purport to own them, “my” is not possessive, it’s just a way to keep myself inside the way that I refer to things, it’s a word of sharing…
And I wonder, will I be running through your hair like a sprinkler, when this is over, will I be running through your hair like a sprinkler…
When I used to go to church, it was my three friends and me, sneaking around the basement, like we were somebody… now the walls of my bedroom, are full of iconography, and though I’m not of the belief, I do it not with irony… but last Easter when I didn’t go, the other three friends were there, though I didn’t go, though they hadn’t been around in years, and though I never was Catholic their festivals, always had everyone I need…
Can I go there, will I be running through your hair like a sprinkler, when it’s over, will I be running through your hair like a sprinkler…
We’re all sacred camgirls now, I might wrap a silken mirror around my tv, I might remind the air what it reminds of me, the clean and fresh of stepping from an airplane to a foreign country…
Now I don’t expect you to be my therapist, but I just got back on wanting to live and now this, it’s like we’re cut from god’s list… now I don’t expect to be your therapist, but you were just barely in lust with life and now this, it’s like you’re sunk in sea mist… but I would hope there’s a secret and sacred desire, keeping you in a spray of successive ends, a material of two friends, where the length of our distance is spent…
And I wonder, am I running through your hair like a sprinkler, will I know it, am I running through your hair like a sprinkler, is it over, if I’m running through your hair like a sprinkler--
Is it going, can I (running through your hair) like a sprinkler…
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21. |
The Unspoken Panic
05:46
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You’re full of pee, and I need you to never let it go, hold onto it at all costs, it’s special… this is what I told her on the back porch, while we were relaxing… you’re like a magical monster I said to her, something out of a short story, never forget that, I said to her, on the back porch while we were having a drink…
I say it straightforwardly, I say it with my plucked string instrument, I say it straightforwardly with my plucked string instrument… I say it straightforwardly, I say it with my plucked string instrument, I say it straightforwardly with my plucked string instrument…
I said you’re full of life, and I need you to never let it go, I write phrases about living now, and the insecurity of taking a nap…
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22. |
Tough Tidal Daughter
01:07
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Well I’m a tough tidal daughter, I’m makin’ like the water, I’m rough and raging like the sea, but the last I was loud the mayor got me down, and built a hotel over me, that’s the last time I show all the flow I can be, I’m gonna sink in like a leak, rarrreh!
But who knows what it is that I nextly will be, I’m gonna learn to shoot a gun and kill my enemy, ‘cuz I’m so sick of seeing him just as alive as me…
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The Convincing Actor Roselle Park, New Jersey
SHE/HER
TRANS WOMAN
ROSELLE PARK, NEW
JERSEY
EXPERIMENTAL/
AVANT-GARDE/
ART ROCK/
ELECTRONIC
THANK YOU
... more
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