I was sucking god’s cock it’s planet sized, he jerked his pussy off with me my whole body fits inside, and once inside I slid to sleep like a bathtub full of slit child… excuse me if I’m out of turn it’s not my fault you’re a shitpile, not your fault either, not your fault our lives are a farce, but if you’re sure you want this false forgiveness, I hate you just the way you are…

Ooooh, I’ve never been so lost and alone, ooooh, moan moan moan… This neighborhood used to be so beautiful, if I had less to lose I’d bomb these new developments, these luxury apartments and modular homes, if I had less to lose you bet I’d torch them, if I had less to lose I’d run for office on the platform that every cop be replaced by a grave, but it turns out I’ve got friends that take care of me, I got a long list of people that care for me, don’t you doubt it, they’re taking good care of their friend, they have their girl’s back, but if I hadn’t them I’d go off and do the rightest violence I could think, there’s positive change between you and positive change…

I’ve never felt this low before so hold me tight, I feel like I’ve been sucked dry like a dick sky that is raining down the saddest cum, the saddest cum… but I love you hope you know that, but I love you hope you know that, you’re the lullabye to truth-align and euthanize the abuse I hold so deep and lone inside, so deep and lone inside-- yes I know (yes I know) yes I know (yes I know) yes I know (yes I know!)... It’s either vim of amethyst or poltergeist, I’m getting an ascetic on the job, to try and pray around this loss I cannot shake, this wound too staid to bleed… but I love you hope you know that, but I love you hope you know that, you’re the mirror in the mirror that reflects the frontal mirror’s head’s back’s keeps me from reflect, leaves me to neglect-- yes I know (yes I know) yes I know (yes I know) yes I know (yes I know!)...

I try not to fetishize mental illness, but I kinda love the art of people who fetishize mine, ‘cuz we probably share something here and now inside, they’re speaking up for me, we could be a factor in each other’s better future, so I love them for it is that such a crime-- Maybe one day I could fall for someone who fetishizes me, my trans body with a brain a prion would turn up its nose at, and how would I know, and how would you know, so lay off until the day comes that you do know, because the way that I used to fetishize my fears, was entangled with my self-esteem for far too many years, so until you really know me and what it is to heal, don’t kill me with the love you’re pretending to feel… yes I know what a terrible idea it is, but I also know the pleasure of speaking my id… And I’m on the wrong side of my chest, and it’s taking me away from you, and I’m on the wrong side of my chest, and it’s taking me away from you, and I’m on the wrong side of my chest, and it’s taking me away from you, and it’s taking me away from you… Hey rock n’ roll girl, rock and roll with me, hey rock n’ roll girl, you’re my sweetest pea…

Trying to make me, feel like I do not exist, if you had a soul it got pissed, out your dick into a rest stop toilet, get fucked-- And I’d sell my head for a hat and a half yes I’d sell my head for a hat and a half, and I’d sell my head for a hat and a half before I’d be your friend again… Gaslighting me until, I can’t tell my feelings are valid, my guess is if you were a part of a, pair of pants you’d be a shitstain from an unwiped ass-- And I’d sell my head for a hat and a half yes I’d sell my head for a hat and a half and I’d sell my head for a hat and a half before I’d be your friend again…

I wish I had a god to bless my heart, unfortunate the sky’s an empty fart, if there is a god we’re fucking licking his boot, if there is a god he spent his son on a suit… Jesus chewing a cunt like gum sitting on a rock, god catching pussy with a cock on a rod on the dock, father and son but sorta brothers, wow what a relationship real role models, if I ever go to god I’m a trick of the light, if I ever go to church it’s probably out of spite, for now give me a bible but no not to read, gotta knife in my hand and I’m meeting a need… With it, your! (my?) That’s right, it’s the official! (It is!) Just put it, and voila! (Wow!) Perfect every time! (Every single time!) With five star technology, your (my!) Just watch it go! (Go, go, go!) You want it! (Never have truer words been spoken!) Are you my mommy (yes daddy), are you my sister (yes mommy), are you my daddy (yes brother), are you my mommy (yes sister), are you my brother (yes daddy), are you my sister (yes father), are you my father (yes mommy), are you my mommy (yes sister), are you my daddy (yes mommy), are you my sister (yes daddy), are you my mommy (yes brother)...

Last night I had the first dream since in which I was drinking, and that was not a nightmare at all, the nightmares are the ones where I am sober, they’re full of violence, fire and mistakes, thank god that I can drink my coffee once again, I’m used to scheduled usage of my throat and guts, liquor was the first in years to give my life some structure, the first thing that could keep me on a perfect little schedule, now that I got off it I feel like I’ve lost a lover, a companion and a healer, a person and a humor, I’ll say my private things to those who know I’m getting better, to you I offer nothing but description, to you I offer nothing but this light, don’t ask for my humanity, don’t ask for something more, don’t ask for an apologetics, especially if we haven’t met, I only have description, I only have this light, I only have experience I only have my sight, ask me for god and I’ll spit him out, ask me for god and he’ll come for a playdate, ask me for god and he’ll live for you, me I only have this light, me I only have this light, god I feel so light…

So surprised this day has finally come to pass, sometimes stress this great seems everlasting, the turmoil’s tired me out enough to start a night’s sleep, and when I wake the sleep will pack and leave, I won’t finish breakfast as the chewing sets my ears to ringing, nor dinner ‘cuz a full gut’s pressure on my chest sets me to panicking, it’s sickness, over simple needs, symptoms, over satisfaction, if I ever find health it’ll feel like hell… Got the memory of an empty locket, finding old fingernails in my back pocket, afraid I’m gonna wake up fingerbanging my eye socket, out of alienation from my body, so surprised I didn’t piss myself today, I think I’d hardly notice in the womb-wet of my hideaway, it’s sickness, over simple needs, symptoms, over satisfaction, if I ever find health it’ll feel like hell… I tell you if a hand gets laid on me I leave it there, I find there more to fear in car door slams and coffee whistling, but when I call I pray you answer I feel a phantom, with a body of an empty house itself is haunting, further prayed the pith is pent to a place I never been, a sewn portent within, furthermore to play pretend that I’m well you’ll find that I’m your milieu’s most willing, it’s sickness, over simple needs, symptoms, over satisfaction, if I ever find health it’ll feel like hell, sickness, over simple needs, symptoms, over satisfaction, if I ever get well, don’t know how I would tell…

All I do is cry and drink, all I do is drink and cry, a girl could fucking fade away, a girl could make like life and die, thank god you love your cvs, thank god you love panera bread, ‘cuz soon that will be all that’s left, just billionaires and lyft and death, ‘cuz there will be no humans left, just flooded cities, safes and sheds-- I’ll drink my beer and have my sex but step outside to take a breath, the luxury development has jarred up all the oxygen, they’re selling it in USB’s I hope you got a port to breathe, and all I am’s a nippled tit, I’m banned on half the internet, and all I ask is ban the law, and I don’t need a president, ‘cuz all that’s left is meaningless, and every life it hurts to live, and every kid is born depressed, and every wrist is better slit, thank god you love your cvs, thank god you love panera bread, why don’t you go there bomb to chest, in your favorite place, lay yourself to rest…

What would you do if there was nobody there for you, what would you do if there was nobody scared for you, what would you do-- I’m thinking of you every second I’m enjoying life, I’m thinking of you every second I’m enjoying life, baby I was born to die, baby I was born to die, over and o’er inside my mind, over and o’er inside my mind… I’m made of loving you at the expense of day and night, I’m made of needing you to spite the lord and take his sight, baby I was born to die, baby I was born to die, over and o’er inside my mind, over and o’er inside my mind… We’re all that and we please take praise, riddle us up and we talk for days, adult jokes, paddle boats play the past for its pain, and it’s nice out let us take a nice walk...

I’m sorry that I’m tired wet and smelly today, I got a therapy costume, it’s my sweater that’s gray, but when I go to the bar, I look tall smart and gay, and I don’t have no god so there’s no praying away, don’t know how sickly I am of being the ghost of a straight, don’t know how fucked I feel of hearing the radio play, you know that only a fascist would find the joy in that shit, it sucks the hard from my dick, it leaves its cum in my spit-- But I would tell a dead dog that I love you, that’s how much I care, I’d scream it anywhere, I’d carve into a corpse that I love you, that’s how much I care, I’d carve it anywhere, I’d write it in the sky with 11 and 175, I’m glad that you’re alive, gotta feel whatcha feel gotta do whatcha do, baby let’s make it me and you… Got the same doctor diagnosing me with trans-related ptsd, seven times misgendering me, same session same smile how the fuck you live with that internal encyclopedia fucking my dreams, now I get you’re not perfect, but how the fuck am I supposed to bring up in my therapy, the very shit it dares to be, dug out the cycle just to pay for another one, a gentrified illness I fuck depression’s elitist son-- But I would tell a dead goat that I love you, that’s how much I care, I’d scream it anywhere, I’d brand it on my ass that I love you, that’s how much I care, I’d brand it anywhere, I’d spell it in semen on a ribcage left in the sun, I wanna have so much fun, and I wanna be loved and I wanna be dreamt with blessed with your presence your fetish your stress-- I want you to beat the beating blood out my jaw tonight, if not that’s cool with your permission I’ll pay someone to do it, with your permission I won’t care if she packs a high rate, I’d shell it out to have her call me fag and get irate, my blood these days hits brain in rushes like it’s 2 hours late, then sits there anchors mind to base of skull like a lead weight, I’ll prove it, hallucinate blue-lit conceptions of two-bit portents and entomb it-- I know I said it but I’ll say it again, my bloodstream’s caving in, there are no blessings where I have been, it’s a cavernous gap of sin… I’d gargle your skin, blow you like a nose, you can pop me with pins, you can blind me with strobes, paint me parched out of light, prime me plumped for a blight, prick me let out of blood, step me sunk in the mud, I got no body left, there’s nothing that I’m in (I know the pain is in sight), I’ll moan it before, and I’ll moan it in bed (I put my ring on its light), I got no body left, there’s nothing that I’m in (the frame has taken its flight), I got no body left, there’s nothing that I’m in (my portrait drowns in the light)...

So nice, so nice, so nice, so nice, so nice, so nice, so nice, so nice, I wanna be so nice, I gotta be so nice, you gotta be so nice, you gotta be so nice to me, I gotta be so nice, I wanna be so nice, you gotta be so nice, I gotta be so nice to you, I’m delicate, you’re delicate, when we fall into each other’s arms it’s 9/11, they’re the subject, we’re the predicate, they’re so sturdy, we’re so delicate, when we fall into each other’s arms there’s such a tenderness, that we feel as though we’re bathing in each other’s liquid, let’s support each other, let’s be understanding, let us hold each other, let’s not be demanding-- So nice, I gotta be so nice, you gotta be so nice, you gotta be so nice to me, I gotta be so nice, I wanna be so nice, you gotta be so nice, I gotta be so nice to you, I thought I needed some aromatherapeutic lotion, but when we make eye contact we’re the challenger explosion, I love collapsing in you, your atmosphere is kind to me, it’s the kind I wanna breathe, not too dirty not too clean, let us contemplate, why we think we are mistakes, no breaks, when we accept ourselves, that is when we fall, awake-- I wanna be so nice, I gotta be so nice, you gotta be so nice, you gotta be so nice to me, I gotta be so nice, I wanna be so nice, you gotta be so nice, I gotta be so nice to you, so nice, so nice, so nice, so nice, so nice, so nice, so nice, so nice…

When she fails to pay you back in pleasure put a bible in her, put a bible in her, when she fails to prim and prick and measure put a bible in her, put a bible in her, when you fail to excavate her treasure put a bible in her, put a bible in her… I just witnessed a lamppost, a crucified saint, and a basket-weaving ne-er-do-well engaging in a sexual threesome! (This message is sponsored by the department of women’s and gender studies)-- When she wants a friend to suit the bedding put a bible in her, put a bible in her, when she wants a puss to suit her shedding put a bible in her, put a bible in her, when she wants a nest afore the wedding put a bible in her, put a bible in her… And furthermore, I just witnessed the sky, the sea, and everything in between engaging in a sexual threesome! (This message is sponsored by the bureau of lgbtq affairs)... Woke up in the hospital two times this past month, found near-dead drunk on the sidewalk passed out, but you will never find me, you will never find me, I only find myself there’s a bible in this bitch, no one told me what happened, no one tells me what happens, when I try to turn the news on the channel is god laughing, but you will never make me, you will never take me, I only make myself there’s a bible in this bitch… Shook shocked half-unconscious for two of these past days, stuck thoughts fuck me frozen like half of me’s passed away, but you will never know me, you will never know me, I only know myself there’s a bible in this bitch, nurses keep switching shifts in a world that’s half-staid, doctors keep with the advice that is fickle and half-baked, but they will never know me, they ignore my body, yet I’m the open book of the bible in this bitch...

I don’t drive drunk but I sure do drive traumatized, and that feels fucked up enough to warrant a dui, what can you do safely when you’re so unhealthy, I wanna slow down but I just can’t make me, I wanna feel soft and I wanna feel kissed, even when I’m right in front of you I wanna feel missed, all the love for myself I keep feeling towards the others, all the sides of myself are hypothetical lovers, I just wanna feel as tender towards myself, I just wanna feel forgiving towards myself, I just wanna feel the way to feel I feel about myself is a golden of thirds that spirals me into health, I wanna be the one that did it, I wanna be the one to be it, but I need help, but I need help, but I need help…

Doh! Doh! Hey… could you stop that sound, would you… would you mind not making that sound? Doh! Hey-- hey you! Ugh… I’m beginning to be incensed… Doh! Hey Jonathan? Hey-- hey Johnathan. Come over here. (Yes what is it.) I found a sense of humor I think you’ll enjoy. It’s indicative of our experiences as a generation. Come over here. (Yes I’ll come over.) Doh! Doh! Hey-- without the cessation of this sound, I’m going to grow more and more irate! Doh! Johnathan? Are… are you enjoying it? I need you to be communicative. Are you enjoying the sense of humor? (Yes I’m enjoying the sense of humor.)

Suckling an image, I’m riding down the highway, heart palpitations, electric blueing visuals, stuck ‘bout to reach out, and frozen-framed in reaching-- but I, I just keep drinking alone (drinking alone), acid flashbacks, and such convulsive thinking I can’t turn back, from all the guts I’m drinking, still there’s comfort, in nothing ever changing-- but I, I just keep drinking alone (drinking alone)... What a home in it, now all the pressure’s off, guaranteed I’m gonna spend this night aloft, home at 2 a.m. cook and martini chug, closest I got to self-love, I’m, I’m endless parents in a playhouse of gin, apologizing for the pain of their kin, it leads the Lavender out of her limbs but I, I just keep drinking alone (drinking alone)... Seizures in my sleep, replacing all my dreams, wake up and think I’ve, forgotten how to breathe, moments of has everyone forgotten me-- but I, I just keep drinking alone (drinking alone), head to the pizza joint, I’ll need a glass of red, just leave the bottle, I need how jesus bled beating inside me, this table turns to bed-- but I, I just keep drinking alone (drinking alone)... Nobody tells me, they think I have a problem, ‘cuz on my own self, I say it pretty often, I fake a party out, and make like I am stopping, but it’s a petty try, I know I know what I know pattern’s a bitch, one sober night a month for scratching my itch, I try to smile but I think it’s a twitch, but I, I just keep drinking alone (drinking alone)... I’m tiptoe danced, I’m at the edge of my world, little girl again, I am a doll of a girl, change is breathing, it must be contrast to thrive, I’m morning chirp in night… For now a minute in I’m losing my head, when I, I masturbate I feel like it’s not my hand, I feel like I got death’s grip on my dick but I, I just keep drinking alone (drinking alone).